I JUST SAW THE HOT RABBI ON NETFLIX AND NOW I WANT TO BE JEWISH — By Zoé Mahfouz

Night Watch by Joseph Verrastro

            My good pal Albert Einstein once said, “The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination.” What a man. Listen, Adam Brody, I just binge-watched the whole season of Nobody Wants This and you convinced me that Judaism was cool. I saw how desperate the hot rabbi was for Kristen Bell to have some Jewish blood in her family. Well, look no further, Brody. My mom once told me that I had some Jewish blood on her grandmother’s side. So, if destiny played in my favor, I could have been born Bendavid, which is kind of a big deal. In fact, it is more than kind of a big deal. It is a huge deal. You’ll be happy to know that I give mostly Jewish names to the fictional characters of my screenplays: Ezekiel, Genesis, Noah, Elijah. Because they sound good. They sound like rebirth, new beginnings. Just like our love story, Brody. I would like to point out that my favorite directors have always been the Coen Brothers and Woody Allen. As a matter of fact, did you know that Annie Hall’s original title was supposed to be It Had to Be Jew but got rejected by the censors? Only a true Jewish woman would know that. I cried my heart out during the screening of The Pianist and I voted for The Zone of Interest at the Academy Awards. I know the song and the choreography of “Remember That We Suffered” from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend by heart, which makes me a Jewish woman with a sense of humor, a quality that is going to balance with your usual jaded self, Brody. I use extra challah-dough to bake the perfect babka for Passover, my signature recipe from the shtetls! I don’t think a shiksa would know that. Each Friday, I cover the hallway and the elevator of my building with aluminum, just out of support. This is the kind of Jewish woman I am, Brody, empathetic, mindful of others. And if you think I’m joking, I will personally visit you in your San Diego mansion and break all your dishes while shouting Mazel Tov, just to show you I mean business. Because Jewish women like myself speak their minds, Brody, get used to it. Listen bubala, I feel like I should tell you that this is a take-it-or-leave-it offer for you to court the perfect Jewish/French woman of your dreams right here, right now, and as soon as I get bored of this little kosher cat and mouse game with you, I’ll probably move on to Andy Samberg, who I’ve just seen in Lee.

Proud holder of a Master’s Degree in Screenwriting from the London Film School, Zoé Mahfouz is an Award-Winning Actress, Screenwriter and Content Creator. Her own writing (fiction, nonfiction and poems) has been featured in 20+ literary magazines and best-of anthologies across the globe. Her short screenplays and TV pilots, which examine the influence of social media and the challenges of being a woman in today's society, have been recognized at film festivals worldwide, including the Scriptation Showcase Script Competition, the Filmmatic Comedy Screenplay Awards, and the Toronto International Nollywood Film Festival, a Canadian Screen Award-qualifying festival. She also wrote, directed, and produced an innovative proof-of-concept music video titled CHOCOLATE GATE, which leveraged cutting-edge technologies to explore the pressing issue of cyberbullying, earning her Best Music Video, Best Cinematography, and Best Editing awards at the AI International Film Festival in San Diego, CA.