Tom, the First Date, Ocean Version — By Melinda J. Combs

artwork by Ciara Duffy

Use At Own Risk/Not Reversible/Maybe Compatible with Others/Variable Speeds/No Money Back Guarantee/Made in USA, Reviewed in Southern California

LADIES, I normally don’t write reviews, but HAD to share my experiences so you know PRIOR to shipment. Important info when trying out this product: Fun and promising in the beginning.

Will give you HOPE. But whatever you do, do NOT over expect.

FIRST DATE testing of a product with an OCEAN SWIM is risky and out of the ordinary. But also brilliant. Weeds out any superficialities immediately: How does he look in swim trunks? Can he be funny AND attentive while swimming between waves? (Is that asking too much?

Please comment below. I’m open to input.)

Will he laugh at me OR protect me if I stay down too long in the wily ocean? These are important things to know.

Side note: do we need anymore unpredictability while on a first date? Do we need our make-up to be a disaster? I think not. Because I REALLY wanted to match with this product, I purchased waterproof mascara, waterproof foundation, and make-up setting spray in dewy. Redundant but hope springs eternal. Additional cost: $47.12.

I met Tom, the First Date on land. Nothing to note initially. Soon after, we shuffled our feet while walking deeper into the Pacific Ocean (we must shuffle to scare away stingrays). We laughed while bobbing up and down, then, he CRADLED me while waves moved under and over us. Was that why the product wanted to be tested in the ocean? So, said product can show off romantic and athletic skills simultaneously? I hung onto his back and felt a surprising amount of JOY.

JOY on a first date. On a first date! How refreshing and unexpected! And not just because we were swimming in the PACIFIC OCEAN. Product has promising attributes. We laughed a lot. We stayed in the water past dusk. I told him, “I love to watch the sunset while swimming in the sea.” He agreed. I swooned. This speed worked. At this point, I thought product wouldn’t fail me.

Our first KISS: He leaned in as we stood shivering in the sand. My heart warmed. Tom, the First Date possessed unexpected romantic inclinations. I did however want him to kiss me in the ocean during sunset. Maybe I forgot to ask for ultra romantic in my order? Probably. First impressions of overall product: attractive, manly, enjoyable, ocean-minded. All on my wish list!

Later, when product admitted to snoring, which required another product around his face, and various other oddities while we dined on pepperoni pizza on a park bench, I believed WE (the two of us!) would have an extended warranty with a few amendments.

Product kissed me goodbye and grabbed my ass. Simultaneously!! Maybe the sexiest part of his factory settings. Then, texted later that night to say, “Had so much fun tonight. Can’t wait to see you again.” Promising!

CONS: Tom the First Date’s attention wandered, like an ADHD-addled boy. Within twenty seconds, topics spanned from worrying about his cholesterol to bragging about his daily surf sessions. Without a breath in between or a chance to reboot. For BOTH of us. No options to purchase listening or focusing skills, but I may write an email to the inventor to suggest adding said preferences. Who's with me, ladies?

Upon further inspection, I discovered broken parts and faulty wiring: the product was sadly damaged BEYOND repair. As per a few other models sold at this price, not over an ex of some form, unable to move past HER, Tom, the First Date, Ocean Version's confession: still stuck in treacherous waters. LUCKILY, RETURNABLE WITH NO PENALTY. Maybe another buyer will have better luck. Maybe the Land Version is more stable but in need of something more EVOLVED. Looking for a Tom, Ocean Version 2.0! Can’t wait for that model to come out. I heard in late-2025.

Melinda J. Combs' nonfiction has appeared in or is forthcoming in the Los Angles Times, Harpur Palate, Fourteen Hills and Relief. Her fiction has appeared in Fiction Southeast, Gargoyle and other journals. She lives, teaches, and tries to surf regularly in Southern California.