Of the moment
A story about a timely matter.
22 August 2023
Jessica Arzola-Grissom —
Remember When?
Remember the time your side radiated with hot pain? Remember it was the beginning of a new year, but renewal was not on your agenda. Remember how you became a hollow shell as you accepted the flower deliveries from your family and friends? Remember telling yourself that you were glad they sent flowers that were supposed to expire, because you couldn’t keep a plant alive much less a baby?
Remember when you went back to work and your co-workers all expressed their condolences, but a few asked too many questions? Remember how one friend asked what was wrong and you muttered a quick word of headache so you didn’t have to think about it or burst into tears in the front office? Remember when you wanted nothing to do but to hide behind your computer and just focus on work so you could forget?
Remember when you took a break from all social media? Remember when you got back on social media and wanted people to know? Remember the women sharing their stories?
Remember when a month later your colleague announced their pregnancy, and their baby was due to be born a week after yours? Remember how you begged God to not let their baby be born on your due date? Remember when they were born on a different day and your heart breathed a sigh of relief?
Remember how you placed headphones in your ears and walked around the creepy antique malls on your lunch break? Remember when you found the small keepsake box to store the announcement, the cards, the bills from the doctor’s office, the baby bib, and the sweet card your husband wrote for you telling you that you would be an excellent mother?
Remember how it took a few weeks after the doctor’s visit to have everything pass from your body? Remember how you anxiously checked the toilets at work or at public restrooms praying you wouldn’t leave everything there? Remember how it seemed so strange, but at home the medicine worked, and you stayed in the comfort of your dark room. Remember your painful cries as the physical pain spread and coincided with the internal pain?
Remember when you became a misty ghost meandering from one room into another until your sister took you out to the cinema. Remember at the cinema, you chose to forget and became enveloped in the story until they had a scene showing a woman with a baby on her hip. Remember how you pressed your fingernail into your thumb so you could focus on that pain instead of the pain erupting in your heart?
Remember when you were afraid to feel again because you’d never known pain so deep? Remember how you didn’t want to cry on Valentine’s Day? Remember how kind your husband was as he worked through grief with you?
Remember when the old woman in the elevator asked you when you were due, and you shakily explained it was just a puffy dress? Remember how you cried so many tears you thought you’d damaged your eyes?
Remember the first time your friends asked you when you and your husband were going to try again? Remember how the color left your face and you felt the room swirling. Remember how you’ve only passed out once in your life, but it came pretty close that time?
Remember when your sister invited you to her baby shower and you told your Mom you weren’t able to go? Remember how her son and your baby would have been months apart? Remember when you held your nephew for the first time and loved him so much, but had to put on your brave face?
Remember when you went to church on Mother’s Day and heard people saying over and over, “Happy Mother’s Day!” Remember when you zoned out during your nephew’s dedication? Remember how you sat there and wanted to forget everything?
Remember how your due date came and went? Remember how most people forgot, but your sweet Mama remembered? Remember when she wiped away your tears?
Remember when your colleague came in hesitantly and handed you a box with a pin that was in the shape of two baby feet? Remember when she told you her own story of loss and love?
Remember when you walked for hours in a department store and found a ring with the birthstone in the month your child should have been born? Remember how it was shaped like a teardrop and you thought it was a perfect way to remember?
Remember the following year when National Rainbow Baby Day occurred? Remember how you held your rainbow baby in your arms and how you wept tears of joy?
Jessica N. Arzola-Grissom lives in a small Texas town with her husband and son. Her story, The Meaning of Ascensión was published in SAGU's literary journal The Image. Her poem Fireflies was published by the Logo Sophia magazine. The Rainbow recently appeared in the anthology titled Scars.
Photo by Susan Cohen